“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
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If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
was Jim off killing horses or…
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing