[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
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Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*