Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
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they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that