If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
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Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
#oldknees
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.