*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
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Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?