Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
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houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I can’t stop watching this.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.