Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
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Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.