[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person: