Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
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Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion