[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.