[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
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I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?