“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
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One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?