Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
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[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.