[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
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me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Yoga Matt
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes