Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.