Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
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Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog