Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
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“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
This meal prepping shit easy