[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
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These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
…u ok Nintendo?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up