me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
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my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.