My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
You Might Also Like
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Y’all know who you are.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I saw nothing
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
so weird how every mom was born today
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.