Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
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Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.