5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
The French word for sex is croissant.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe