[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
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my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Important
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not