“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
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Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”