*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
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If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
at ease…shoulder.