Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.