I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
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My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.