*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
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zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.