Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
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Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.