How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
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If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
The happy life.. 😊
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!