I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
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I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this