DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
You Might Also Like
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun