Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
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To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.