If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
You Might Also Like
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Shoo shoo! 😂
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough