Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
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My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….