I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
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I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Cake!!
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
How do dragons blow out candles?
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.