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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Remember folks 😂
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.