It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
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BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.