Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
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I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Wait a second…