A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
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[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.