I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
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ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.