I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
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A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*