The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
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I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much