cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
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EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I’ve had worse
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!