My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
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4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
the clam before the storm
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!