“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
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Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Dietest Coke
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
No, I don’t think I will.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.