If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
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I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
as is their right
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃