Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
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Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.