6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
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How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.