How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
you will never know the true number of layers
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Alexa: *deep breath*
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.